My Mission

My life today is literally unrecognizable compared to what it was 2 months ago.  If you had asked me if I thought I would be living alone in a studio guest house across town, sobbing into my MacBook, I would have laughed in your face. 

I thought I had it all.  The perfect job.  Great family, fabulous, friends, and best of all, I was deeply in love and living with "the-man-i-thought-i-was-going-to-marry." He was my happiness.  And though we were having pretty major issues, I thought we he was in it for life, just as I was.

But now here I am.  In a place I was terrified to be.  Alone.  Brokenhearted.  Sadder than I thought sad existed.  Rejected.  Unwanted.  Still in love with a life I don't have and a man who doesn't want me. 

As sad as it makes me, I cannot change the fact that "the-man-i-thought-i-was-going-to-marry" doesn't love me just as I am.  And I cannot change the fact that our beautiful life together is over.  I cannot change the fact that so much of what I knew is either completely gone or turned completely upside down.  Most difficult of all, I cannot change him and I cannot change his opinion of me.

But what I can change is me.  Not who I am as a person, but how I chose to perceive this situation. 

This situation hurts me so much.  It feels like there is a root of pain running through my center from my chest to my stomach that is pulling me down into a hole in the earth.  I've never cried like this.  I've never hurt like this or ached like this.  I've never felt so powerless or abandoned or rejected.

However, while this situation hurts, I am choosing right now to change, not who I am, but the way I perceived myself in our relationship, my situation in this heartache, and my new future.

So I am on a mission.  A mission to discover what my new happiness is, to mend my shattered heart and become the best version of myself.