Layer Cake

I'm beyond blessed to have the family that I do.  Especially the females- my mom, sister, grandma and aunts are all my best friends, roles models cheer leaders and lately, therapists.

One such therapist/ aunt/ amazingly fabulously wise aunt sat me down right after the break-up when I was sobbing into my Pinot Noir and said to me, "Crystal, men are just the icing on the cake.  But you are the cake itself.  The cake is the most important part.  You have to be fully baked before you can ice the cake.  All of the layers have to be there and baked and put together before the icing can go on."

Hello "Aha" moment!

Ever since then I have been thinking about my life as this delicious cake with layer upon amazing, complicated, beautiful layer.   I started thinking about what the actual layers are that make up my cake, which ones have finished baking, and which ones still come out with stuff when you put a toothpick in them.


My Layer Cake (in no particular order):
family
friends
spirituality/ soul/ mindfulness*
career
physical health
mental health
happiness

*I think this is a life-long goal, something we should all always be working on.  So, it's sort of a bonus layer.

As I assess my cake, I see that, #1, it has 7 layers, like my favorite menu item, the 7 layer burrito, from Taco Bell, and #2, I am not finished baking. 

My family isn't perfect but I am at a point in my life where I am at peace with it's imperfections and in love with it's uniqueness.  My friends are fun, loving and supportive.  My career is a dream.  My health is the best it's ever been (I even tackled a year-long migraine!).  Which means, currently, the layers that I need to finish baking are my mental health layer, my spirituality layer and my happiness layer.  Not too shabby!

Now, to be fair, the spirituality layer is a bonus layer, so, although it needs some major rising, it will always be a firework in progress.  I'll allow myself to be frosted before that one is completely baked. 

But the other two: mental health and happiness- those are urgent.

Looking back, I was even more "raw" when I met Erich.  My career layer certainly wasn't nearly finished baking when I met Erich (I'm sure I'll write more about that adventure some day), though I am happy to say that now I am beyond complete and happy in that area.  Same goes for my physical health layer as well.

In fact, with that knowledge in hand, that I was just a raw batch of batter, it's no wonder the relationship ended.  I wanted so badly, and to be honest, still do, to be in a relationship with him, to have the frosting on the cake, when I wasn't ready.  I wasn't finished baking. 

Anyone who bakes knows, it seems like this sweet idea, but it's freaking MESSY.  Eggs, flowers, milk, sugar.  Mixer turns on.  Stuff gets everywhere. 

While I was with Erich I managed to finish baking 2 more of my layers, but like my wise aunt said, you can't frost the cake until it's baked.

Many things contributed to the eventual ending of our relationship, and it wasn't all just because I wasn't done baking.  But this sheds some light on it for me.  And it helps me to see what I need to continue to do now:  just keep going.  Keep baking. 

How?

The mental health layer is simple- I'm back in therapy once a week and am committed to working on the issues that hold me back from being the best me possible.

But the happiness the layer.... that's a whole other story.  What is this "happiness" thing?  What makes me happy?  Who makes me happy?  What do I like to do? Who do I like to do it with?  Before Erich was my favorite person but now he is gone.  This layer is going to be trickier to bake.


I'm calling it my Happiness Project.  Stay tuned....

My Mission

My life today is literally unrecognizable compared to what it was 2 months ago.  If you had asked me if I thought I would be living alone in a studio guest house across town, sobbing into my MacBook, I would have laughed in your face. 

I thought I had it all.  The perfect job.  Great family, fabulous, friends, and best of all, I was deeply in love and living with "the-man-i-thought-i-was-going-to-marry." He was my happiness.  And though we were having pretty major issues, I thought we he was in it for life, just as I was.

But now here I am.  In a place I was terrified to be.  Alone.  Brokenhearted.  Sadder than I thought sad existed.  Rejected.  Unwanted.  Still in love with a life I don't have and a man who doesn't want me. 

As sad as it makes me, I cannot change the fact that "the-man-i-thought-i-was-going-to-marry" doesn't love me just as I am.  And I cannot change the fact that our beautiful life together is over.  I cannot change the fact that so much of what I knew is either completely gone or turned completely upside down.  Most difficult of all, I cannot change him and I cannot change his opinion of me.

But what I can change is me.  Not who I am as a person, but how I chose to perceive this situation. 

This situation hurts me so much.  It feels like there is a root of pain running through my center from my chest to my stomach that is pulling me down into a hole in the earth.  I've never cried like this.  I've never hurt like this or ached like this.  I've never felt so powerless or abandoned or rejected.

However, while this situation hurts, I am choosing right now to change, not who I am, but the way I perceived myself in our relationship, my situation in this heartache, and my new future.

So I am on a mission.  A mission to discover what my new happiness is, to mend my shattered heart and become the best version of myself.  

change

"No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal."-Marilyn Ferguson